I’ve been experimenting over on my Eclecticism newsletter with writing the same simple story, A Bang On The Head, in a variety of styles.

Now, I thought I would ask ChatGPT to write A Bang on the Head in the style of a politician. Just to tell or remind you, this is the original story:

Original story

In the middle of the night, I woke up (if you can call being semi-conscious being awake), walked purposely towards the door to go to the bathroom — and almost knocked myself out. 

The reason was that in the twin states of entire darkness and semi-somnambulance I was facing in a different direction from the one I thought I was facing. As a result, instead of walking through the door, I tried to walk through the wall. 

The next few days brought nausea and headaches. After much prevarication I went to Accident and Emergency, where I waited petrified among people for whom “social distancing” means not quite touching you, and who wore their masks as a chin-warmer. 

An hour and a half later I emerged into the twilight, secure in the knowledge that I had nothing more serious than mild concussion. I failed to do much writing, but I was pleased to have read a further 17% of my book. 

This is what ChatGPT came up with:

ChatGPT version in the style of a politician

Ladies and gentlemen, my fellow citizens, let me recount to you an incident that occurred one fateful night, where I demonstrated great resilience and determination in the face of adversity. In the middle of the night, as I stirred from my slumber, or if you may, a semi-conscious state of being, I made my way with purpose towards the door to attend to personal matters in the bathroom. 

Now, it was during this time that I found myself enveloped in complete darkness, and I must admit, in a state of semi-somnambulance. As a consequence, I regrettably found myself facing a direction different from what I had perceived. To my chagrin, instead of gracefully walking through the door, I almost ended up knocking myself out, for I had mistakenly attempted to traverse the solid wall before me. 

This incident, however, did not deter my resolve. In the days that followed, I endured feelings of nausea and debilitating headaches. As a prudent individual, I initially deliberated on seeking medical attention, but finally, I decided it was imperative to head to Accident and Emergency. 

Let me share with you the atmosphere I encountered there. In the waiting area, I found myself amidst individuals who, despite the need for "social distancing," appeared to practice a somewhat relaxed interpretation of the concept, ensuring only a minimal separation between each other. Additionally, I couldn't help but observe that many of them were not wearing their masks appropriately, using them as mere chin-warmers, which concerned me. 

After what felt like an arduously lengthy wait of an hour and a half, I emerged from the facility, bathed in twilight, secure in the knowledge that my condition was not as grave as initially feared – I was fortunate to be diagnosed with nothing more serious than mild concussion. 

This setback temporarily hindered my productivity, and I regret to confess that my writing endeavors were hampered during this period. Nevertheless, I am pleased to report that despite the challenges, I persevered and managed to read a further 17% of the book that captivated my interest. 

My fellow citizens, this experience serves as a testament to the importance of staying vigilant and cautious, even in the darkest of times. It highlights the necessity of seeking timely medical attention when the situation demands it, and, most importantly, it reinforces the value of resilience and determination in overcoming obstacles. 

As your dedicated representative, I pledge to advocate for accessible and quality healthcare services, ensuring that our citizens receive the care they deserve. Let us stand together, united, in our commitment to progress, well-being, and prosperity. Thank you, and God bless you all. 

Evaluation:

As it happens, I think this is pretty good. In fact, my first thought was “Oh dear, I think this is better than I could come up with.” After the initial shock though I came to the conclusion that I was wrong. I think the ChatGPT version has captured the essence of the self-centred BS that politicians are wont to come out with. However, it strikes me as very American (I don’t think British politicians would end a speech with “God bless you all”. Also, it seems rather old-fashioned. I mean, do politicians really use expressions like “that fateful night”?

Not to be outdone, I created my own politicians version.

My version of the story in the style of a politician

Friends 

Since this government came to power, the number of accidents in the home, where, let me remind Ministers, hardworking taxpayers should feel safest, the number of accidents in that environment has increased exponentially. Just recently one of my constituents informed me that because he could not afford to turn on the light to go to the bathroom he had to fumble his way in the dark. As a result, he hit his head on the wall. 

You might think that this unfortunate incident was bad enough. However, you will not be surprised to learn that it was vastly exacerbated by having to wait in A & E for several hours surrounded by people who were not abiding by the laws of this country as far as social distancing and wearing masks are concerned. 

Fortunately, my constituent, despite suffering from nausea and headaches, was diagnosed with only mild concussion. However, he is a writer, and as such was unable to contribute to the economic and cultural wellbeing of this country by plying his trade. Instead, he had to make do with reading under a fifth of his book. 

When the British people act upon their democratic rights and put this lame duck government back into the political wilderness where it belongs, my party will deliver lower energy bills, softer walls, and set up a Covid Rules Enforcement Department to drive forward a lower rate of transition of this deadly disease. 

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Call me big-headed, but I think my version is far better.

This article first appeared in Eclecticism.